I’ve recently been reading Dale Carnegie’a book How to Win Friends and Influence People. There are many tools he suggests that have a lot of merit. He talks about how if you express genuine interest in someone else, smile, remember their name, and communicate their importance it goes a long way to building goodwill and a friendship.
As someone who teaches communication, I would heartily agree that these are all excellent ways to express your regard for others and to gain friends. And I can think of a number of Biblical passages that would reflect this mindset.
“And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.” ~Luke 6:31~
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly…” ~Proverbs 15:1-2~
“…Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men.” ~Romans 12:16-17~
It’s very important that we treat others well, are kind, are compassionate, speak with wisdom, use knowledge rightly, aren’t prideful, associate also with people in positions lower than our own, repay only good, and have regard for what is good. The problems arise in what we actually mean by these words.
Dale Carnegie also says in his book that we should never complain or criticize other people. Generally speaking this is good advice. However, to say that someone should never complain or criticize someone else could be applied as the advice to never address with the person their faults or their need to change. From a secular mindset this silence could be seen as a selfless act of overlooking someone’s flaws. And obviously there are flaws we as Christians can and should overlook, but what about the behaviors that shouldn’t be overlooked? What about the behaviors that are harming other people or are hurting, whether they know it or not, the person who has the faults?
It is hard for us, but definitely possible for us, to address a person’s faults and the changes that they need to make in a way that is kind, caring, and compassionate. And perhaps this could be labeled “addressing the problem” rather than “criticizing the person.” That would be quite different from us simply harping about what we don’t like about a person, which is more often than not how we do respond to such situations, rather than us actually trying to help the other person gain reconciliation and be a better person overall.
In a similar sense, for some people “being kind” means never saying anything that upsets another person. But even good and needed truth can at times be upsetting. Does that mean it should never be said? No, we need truth to become better people.
For instance, one parent telling another parent that the way they are responding to one of their children isn’t particularly beneficial and then suggesting a better way they can respond to that child in the future, might be upsetting and feel critical. But is this information still needed and life giving? Yes, it is, because without it this parent will continue to alienate their child.
The way we speak truth matters. We can definitely express truth in sinful ways and violate the principle of Luke 6:31. And in the same vain, we can also violate other Biblical principles if we buy the lies that we should never speak against someone’s choices or that we should never upset them by speaking truths they don’t want to hear.
As Christians we are to be carriers of the light of life.
“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, ‘I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.’” ~John 8:12~
That light is life and a good thing in people’s lives. And yet, that light is not always going to be liked or appreciated.
“…men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.”~ John 3:19-20~
Those practicing evil are going to hate us for the light we bring. They will despise the truth and the condemnation that comes as a result of them rejecting God’s ways.
We aren’t supposed to make these people comfortable and happy with us. We’re not supposed to placate them in their evil, because if we do we’re joining them in their evil. Rather we are called to walk and speak in righteous and God-honoring ways and to expose the works of evil.
“…let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” ~Romans~ 13:12-14
“Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.”~Ephesians 5:1-11~
We are called to expose evil, and as to how we are to live and how we are to act, we are also to…
“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” ~Romans 12:18~
We must also live out the life of light that is inside of us from Christ Jesus with the knowledge and acceptance of the reality of what Jesus says, that…
“…you will be hated by all for My name’s sake.” Matthew 10:22
Those in darkness hate being exposed by the light. Which means not that we should avoid bringing light, but rather that, when we express ourself and the character of God, we need to be intentionally living out and sharing with those stuck in darkness the principles and truth expressed in Ephesians.
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” ~Ephesians 4:32~
Challenge: Let us never forget that the goal of exposing darkness is not to harm but rather to show the person ensnared in that darkness that they too can be delivered from it. For…
“He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.” ~Colossians 1:13-14~
(All scripture is taken from NKJV emphasis added)
When the rocks speak 