How Are We Using Our Words?

I recently watched Butter (2022), a movie about a teenage boy trying to find his place in the world while struggling with obesity (Note: I am using this movie as an example, but I am not recommending this movie. It earned its PG-13 rate and has scenes that should be skipped). This movie and much of its content reminded me of my dear friend Lizzy. Many of the struggles that Marshall (a.k.a. Butter) faces in this movie were struggles Lizzy faced as well, like rejection, abuse, and bullying.

For those of you who are new to this blog you can find my posts about my dear friend Lizzy at “A Memorial to Lizzy” and “The Power of Friendship.” Lizzy passed away in 2021 from a gunshot wound (for a number of reasons, I’m still not convinced it was self-inflicted, but this was eventually the ruling due to the limited evidence of the case and Lizzy’s mental health history). For much of her life Lizzy struggled with her weight and with suicidal thoughts and self-harm.

When people see someone who is obese, they tend to only think of that individual as someone who lacks the discipline to eat less and exercise enough to loose weight. Few people actually pause to ask what might have caused them to become obese in the first place. I’m ashamed to say that I often don’t, even though knowing Lizzy should have taught me to do so.

More often than not people struggling with obesity aren’t doing so because they lack discipline but rather because other factors are stripping them of the ability to gain health in this area.

For example:

Some people are on medication or have other physical health issues that are actually causing them to gain weight and are also preventing them from losing the weight despite their best efforts.

For even more individuals, though, weight gain happens because they are dealing with deep, unhealed emotional pain. Emotional pain can be caused by all kinds of people and events, but I believe the two most common causes are when the person has been rejected by someone who should have cared about them and/or when they have been or are still being physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually abused by someone or a group.

“Unhealed” is the key word to this. And the problem is that typically even when people struggling with obesity are offered help, it isn’t for their emotional pain but rather for their outward symptoms/condition of obesity. Which, in many situations, this type of help serves only to reinforce the person’s feelings of rejection, because the implication is that they must first solve their weight before they have a right to find healing for their heart. Thus, it often just adds to their pain.

The other problem is that the more severe the person’s obesity is, the worse the comments are that some people make, and then the more guilt, shame, or hatred the obese person feels toward themselves. It becomes a destructive cycle of horrible words that leads to deep pain, and deep pain that leads to more weight, which leads to more horrible words.

Lizzy’s darkest moments and longest battles with suicidal thoughts and even suicide attempts all had to do with words other people spoke to her. Five seconds of interaction with someone who used their tongue recklessly, could lead to five hours of emotional spiral for Lizzy or even five days. And no matter how much time went by those words never went away completely. I watched again and again as people sliced open old and new wounds in her soul, and I hated it. I hated that they could hurt her so badly, and I hated that those same words then became weapons she would use on herself later.

When we see someone’s emotional or physical health issue, do we respond with words that offer hope and healing to their hearts, or words that suggest they must first solve their problems before we’ll care about them? Which approach is actually a true reflection of Christianity? Are we offering God’s light and life? Or are we speaking death?

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” ~Proverbs 18:21~

“…the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. …no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so.” ~ James 3:2~

In the movie Butter, I think there are several important elements to note when it comes to the use of words.

People’s thoughtless, unkind, and downright hurtful comments became loud words of death in Marshall’s life. In fact, they create such a drowning refrain that he isn’t able to hear past them to words of life offered by those people, like his music teacher, who are speaking good into his life. Words of death and darkness can be broken by God’s light. We need deliverance from the darkness  (Col 1:13-14).

Early on, Marshall’s father’s choice to go silent and not use his tongue to speak life to Marshall, contributes to Marshall’s emotional pain. In other words, the light and good that isn’t said that should have been can be just as hurtful and destructive because it allows darkness to hold that space instead. We see this as well, at the beginning of the story with Marshall, where those people who could have chosen to befriend him earlier on instead do so only after certain other things happen. They allowed darkness to hold that space.

The few of Marshall’s peers who choose to eventually befriend him and say encouraging things to him do start to make a difference in his life, not just in how Marshall responds to and feels about himself but also in how lots of others of Marshall’s peers choose to interact with him. A person’s words can influence other people to walk in their footsteps whether that’s bringing light or bringing darkness. Both happen within this story. 

Despite everything Marshall has been through, though, when it comes to the way he interacts with others, he is generally kind, compassionate, funny, and encouraging. He tends to listen to other people’s struggles and mostly gives good advice about how they can deal with their issues. In fact, even when talking to or about the person who bullied him, he tends to have more compassion than others normally would in the same situation. He shows an element of words in Proverbs.

“… The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly…” ~Proverbs 15:1

What Marshall does not have, however, is the same level of compassion toward himself. For instance, he calls and labels himself many of the same nasty things people have called him. He also answers to the nickname Butter, which was given to him by a person who physically assaulted him. And it’s worse than that, he actually introduces himself as Butter to new people. He’s so thoroughly accepted the words, that he’s made them his own.

Have you ever done this? I know I have. And I know Lizzy did. What we say to others is very important, but it is also equally important what we say to ourselves.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” ~John 13:34~

We can try to love others well, but if we can’t or won’t let ourselves experience God’s love and speak that to ourselves, then we aren’t going to be able to truthfully and sincerely show His love in us to others.

“…the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.” ~James 3:17~

Lizzy struggled to accept unconditionally love. Everything in her longed to be loved though, and she had a deep desire to show other people the kind of love that she wanted but felt she didn’t deserve.

The truth of the matter, which Lizzy and I often talked through, is that not a single one of us deserve God’s love, but He loves us anyway. That’s what makes it such an incredible gift. And it’s that gift that we offer to ourselves and to others in our words and our deeds. In ourselves, we will fall short of a true expression of love, but in Christ we have that love to share with others.